Be Yourself, Or At Least One of Them

As I've mentioned before, I strongly believe we all play different roles in our daily lives. We seamlessly switch from one version of ourselves to another, utilizing the "self" that best fits the task at hand. Outgoing friend wants to hang out? Here comes Outgoing Tanner. School? Here comes Semi-Sarcastic, Mostly Apathetic, Slightly Depressed Tanner. When I try to think about who I really am, what it really means to be myself, I usually imagine the version of me that I admire at the time. Which changes. If I value "fun", I imagine that the self I want to show everyone is Outgoing Tanner. If I value "intellect", I choose School Tanner, although that one has become a rowdy little biotch lately who just gives no sharts about anything and would rather sit at home all day doing nothing than... well, do anything. Especially school. So what does it mean to be yourself? Is it short for, be the you you want to be at the moment? Because I'm seriously confused. I act different around a certain few people, and they would never know it because they only see that self. I'll find myself consciously saying and doing things out of my character, typically to either please them, or appease them (if they are scary people who take offense to everything)

Why can't I just be the all-encompassing awesome Tanner I know is in there somewhere when I feel like it. I want to just channel what "Myself" is, the true "Myself"; not the one that acts a certain way to get what he wants, like all my other selves. The one that has all the traits I value and is pretty roundabout efficient in social situations, and doesn't require a stimulant to succeed at everything. I guess asking questions is a step on the way to figuring just who the heck I am, which is the ultimate goal, but I usually just end up getting wrapped up in newer, more complex questions and find myself farther away from any answers. Life is confusing, and even more than that, it's exhausting. Something is always nagging on you, and if nothing is actually nagging on you, it's like you make your own problems. I look for things to whine about. Am I really that self-deprecatory, or is hating things just a crappy habit I've picked up. This apathy is also killing, but I will persevere at least until graduation. I hope that college has Self-Discovery 101 because I'ma need it.

Being With "Without"

It's a lot easier than it sounds, actually. The whole "doing without" concept is way underrated. You think a lot more, and sometimes you get so bored that you honestly can't help but do the "right" thing. Which is subjective of course, very much person to person. In my case, I sometimes find myself voluntarily reading. Which is strange to hear, or.. read, I guess, since most people have this huge misconception of me that I'm just this big ol' bookworm that basically drinks novels, eats whole a whole trilogy for breakfast, and then dumps out whole chapters when I do the do in the b-room. Well, it isn't true, and that's not something I'm proud to admit. I don't read nearly as much as I used to, and sometimes I have these things I like to call "novelty urges" where I get this intense craving to do something I consider a novelty, a rare pastime that some people do but I usually don't (like read or commit myself to a bath) and I get a few pages in.. Then I either just feel so insanely tired that I couldn't possibly go on, or I get bored. Thus sates the novelty urge, and it retires to its den for a few weeks.

So aside from reading, I've been searching for ways to find internet. I spent part of one day walking around my house, trying to find a signal from some unlocked network near my house (FAILED), then I walked down to the laundromat for about an hour before my mother's laptop started going out on me (FAILED), and now I typically just bum off my friend's interwebs. It's strange to know that my internet time is limited. I don't know exactly what to do when it's available, but I find my mind subconsciously coming up with a list of "Things That Interest Me That I Would Search Google For If I Could" when I'm lazing around at home. This list magically vanishes as I cross the threshold of my front door, which is ironically more of a side-back-side door thing, and then internet really doesn't serve me a lot of purpose. I think it's humorous/interesting how we will torture with "things that could be" until we have acquired the means to use them. "As soon as I get a job, I'll save for college." or "Now that school is back in, I'll do all my homework on time and take notes like crazy." or "Once I get out of prison, I promise I'll never drive, smoke weed, and tote my expensive Asian prostitute around like my sickly old grandmother every time I leave the house." It never lasts. You save a fifty here and there the first month. You take your notes diligently for the first week. That hooker basically lives in your car, taunting you with alcohol and weed. It's a lot easier to say you'll do (good) things when you have no real way of doing them. And that's my wisdom for today! Good night y'all, I'll post again someday soon.

Train + Train =

I think I'm something of a wreck lately. I don't know if I'm breaking any Blog Society rules by posting twice in one day, but I just feel like I really need to vent here for a minute. My emotional swings hit me like a damn train and then, we'll say I'm a train for the example, I (as a train) hit that train and then bam: I'm a wreck. Just scattered metal chunks and a whole lot of fire. On these days, I turn sullen. Everything looks different to me, like I'm a different person looking at things and have a whole different history that has led me to see everyday things differently and different different different, let's say different some more. That's another thing... I place so much importance behind "being different" and involuntarily make myself another sheeple. There is truly no winning.

I used to think the meaning of life was to experience things no else had, or maybe just experience them in a different way, feel differently about them, approach them DIFFERENTLY, and act differently, and vow to be different. But now, with the threat of senioritis on the verge and a strong sense of apathy washing over me, I can't bring myself to do anything out of the ordinary. Not that doing out of the ordinary things classified me as different in my book... I just mean, I can't break the routine. And the scary part is, I honestly don't want to. I find myself unnervingly content with coasting through day-to-day life, playing video games, eating, going to sleep at 7 in the morning and setting my alarm for 12, but then just ignoring the alarm. Sometimes I even reset it for 1, but then my body is like "OH HELL NAH, YOU ALREADY MADE THE MISTAKE BY GOING BACK TO SLEEP" and there I am bleary-eyed at 6 PM cursing myself. And what do I do? I go and play video games. And what would I have done with my extra time gained from waking up at 12? Play video games. Or go on the computer. I tell myself I'll go write and be productive and try to actually do what I want to do for a career (which happens to be writing plays) but then I just stop after scene 1 and can't bring myself to write anymore. Everything seems to take more effort than it should. And I just feel empty all the while. People are terrifying, school is terrifying, I quit my job because all the time it used up, no matter how little, felt like years of my life, which was terrifying... but all this childhood I'm trying to save up, I know I'll just use unproductively. I'm just a mess lately, and my usual thing is to go take on someone else's problems and figure it out for them, because I can always seem to help people that aren't myself... I feel even more empty after that. And when people ask what's wrong... I dunno, telling them just feels selfish. Like, "Hey you're invited to my party. PS. It's a pity-party and there is no cake, sorry kthxbye." 

Well, I've blabbered enough and I don't feel much better, which is sad, but I guess I'll go back to trying to write. 

Starting Agains

Once in a while I get the crazed notion to "start anew", which really just translates to, "find a new medium to vent about your feelings until you feel satisfied enough to get bored and move on to your regular old boring life". Well, here I am at "Blogger" with a totally anti-sexy somewhat pin-uppy profile pic and a hipster-speech edition of a first post riddled with exotic punctuation and general sass. For anyone searching the depths of this (what I assume to be) relatively unused form of social networking, I'm an 18 year old male, and I'm in high school. Which is the perfect foundation for a unique, interesting character in any novel or movie. I like to think of myself as more of a supporting character in a bunch of different movies than the main character of mine. That last statement definitely fits the whole hispter theme I've got going on here.

I'm here to make another (probably) failed attempt at getting my thoughts straight and down on (virtual) paper, with the sole goal of determining who exactly the hell I am supposed to be. I have a lot of images of myself, and though I definitely support the theory that the people in your life might know you better than you do, I honestly believe that I'm at least acquaintances with all the different people I play. And because of that, I am aware that each person likely only sees one of these acquaintances, and therefore, collectively, I know myself better! HA. Or, I'm at least on my way to knowing myself better... So, tune in for storytime taken straight from the fairytale book of Tanner Hall's life. I don't know how frequently I'll post, but... enjoy, I guess. Despite that this is for me, I don't mind someone making it for them too. Maybe I can help. Feedback requested. Affection accepted. Judgement denied. :)