Sometimes I get in these moods where I literally cannot complete a thought. I just get like so overcome by some emotion, be it guilt, apathy, excitement, etc. that I cannot continue thinking about what I was before. It is during these times that I can only do ANYTHING spontaneously, and so I usually end up taking the most risk and making the most mistakes. Today, I've had the mood for a while, and if I fight it, I pretty much turn into a rock and can't take action at all. I start to feel restless at the same time, but I feel like I'm stuck in one place and can't do anything and that there is no point in doing anything anyways and I would like to know why I feel this way.
I desperately want to see a specialist so I can let all my thoughts just run free and be told why I have them, why I think so much, and what about me makes me so messed up. As humans, we are all "messed up" but I have the most difficult time hiding it with the various labels we choose to hide behind. I think that our personalities are just cover-ups for the mixed emotions and constantly fluctuating motives that truly guide our lives, allowing us to retain a semblance of ordinary action, but all the while reminding someone like me just how fake people are.
See, I'm not sure if it's the mood that makes me overanalyze things this way, or if it's just regular me, and I'm so flustered that I can't stop myself from just venting any thought that comes to the forefront of my mind. I've been wanting to start writing more frequently, but I immediately dismiss it every time it crosses my mind today because of how poorly I felt my writing was yesterday. The only thing I can think to do is to never leave something with a bad feeling about it, because that feeling is going to be the only lasting impression you have of it when you think back later on. I don't even want to face the scene I wrote last night because I'm so convinced it's absolute crap that I don't have the effort to try to fix it. And oh my lord, I don't know how people can just move on and do something else ahead of it, not just in writing, but in anything. I CANNOT just skip something and come back to it, because I will always be thinking about the part I skipped, and in terms of writing, my entire vision of the future of the plot might change depending on what I skipped. So, it all feels like a waste of time.
It feels like this strange mental drowning and I can't remedy it with soothing or quiet activities, like reading or writing, because I'm so on-edge, and I can't go do adrenaline-fueled activities because I never have. And I wonder if that is part of my problem; I build up all this physical energy and have no outlet, or else deny myself an outlet, to let it all out. Because I tell myself I am not sporty. Maybe I just need to go take a run. I wonder if that would fix things... I don't know.
