It's been 7 months since my last entry. I don't know where my life is. I'm incredibly lost and feel like I'm drowning lately, I overthink any event that happens in my life, no matter how minute, the world is always out to get me (that's what it seems like) and I can't help but be pitiable. I don't feel creative or fun or exciting or likable. I'm a real douchebag for leaving every person I've ever known out in the dark while this joyride spirals down a long hole with seemingly no end. I'm actually seeing a specialist but I'm not sure how things are going on that end. I find myself to be a completely different person in counseling than in my daily life. Sometimes, I walk out of a session and think: "Wow, I'm completely normal," and believe it or not, as redundant and stupid as it seems, I usually follow it up with, "What gives? Why do I feel plagued all the time and then suddenly feel like I have nothing to complain about?" I almost feel gypped, that life can feel so strange and awful one moment, but the second I enter a place where I can get my feelings out... I don't know, they come out, and I feel better, but I always feel like I haven't gotten my point across, that there's something I'm not remembering. On that end, my memory is shit and my attention is shit and I'm apparently borderline ADHD and self-medicating with caffeine (I'm practically an addict by this point)
I read my last entries and I know there is something more than who I show in counseling. I'm going to have to actually trick myself. Hey, you from 7 months ago... Got ya! You're gonna prove to me that I do have more I need to say! Who would of thought I created such an awesome source of my emotions, over an extended period of time, when I posted those ravings. I believed it to be therapeutic then and I hope it pays off now.
Life update: The writing went nowhere. There is no career for me that I can see. College is something I'm still pushing away, work is something I'm still pushing away, there's practically nothing in my life I haven't shoved off once or twice. I know that it would be in my best interest to start thinking positively but... It's a lot harder than it looks and I have this insatiable urge to constantly get my stresses and problems out, and most of these deal with some serious negativity within me. I don't know if it's more therapeutic to admit to myself I have issues or mask them by giving myself compliments and admiring the things I do right. And would it be worth it to actually sit down and try to come up with some? I would be reaching, for sure. I don't do a lot of good and I don't know if I want to or maybe even how. It's like I'm drowning but, somehow, I'm content with that, on some abstract level of consciousness. I've known forever I'm a whore for pity but... I don't know, I don't think I like it enough to derail my entire existence. I mean, who have I kept around to pity me? Even just making small talk with people, I feel like I have some pityphobia. If I mention that negative event, the other person is going to mentally roll their eyes at my grabs for attention, at my fishes for compliments... For a while now, before I became a hermit, I think one of the big problems I have with communication was always worrying that what I said would make someone irritated, make someone see that I'm trying to suck all the attention out of them that I can. I walked into every conversation assuming the other person wanted out the second I said a word. And it sickened me when people would try to complain about their life and get my pity. Like, I hide all this from you to make sure you don't feel the way I do!
I'm actually starting to get angry about how many measures I've taken against pity-partying and how often it ends up happening with me on the receiving end, like I'm being punished for ever identifying as a person who really enjoys pity. I feel like people are always trying to catch me slipping or point out a mistake or accuse me of being an attention-whore, emotionless, feelingless, uncaring. And these kinds of thoughts don't happen all the time so I'm glad I could get it recorded here.
I'm linking my therapist to this blog, maybe she can shed some light. Plenty of talking points here.
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